Generate a surplus of chips, chocolates and sweets. All of that “if you’re not entirely satisfied…” jargon on the back of every packet of chips? Let’s put it to the test as we candidly return edible goods that we’ve deliberately made stale. Use the compensation vouchers to buy and age more food for return, “farming” stale junk food.

Create an alias

You’ll need a good few pseudonyms up your sleeve for this one. Try to make yourself sound like a series of irate 43-year-old mothers who are beginning to see the benefits of Tuesday Evening Neighbourhood Watch and favour phrases like, “it’s bladdy nonsense” when referring to Telkom’s 6-8 week ADSL installation policy.

Damage the goods

Heat-damage your chocolates by opening the wrappers and leaving them in a dry, warm, dark place. Make sure they don’t get discovered by vermin and insects, or you won’t have a self-righteous leg to stand on when you return the product. Don’t take so much as a single bite, or the game’s up.

Packets of chips are simpler, and will become stale within 2-3 days of being opened and left exposed. To create an added faux-disappointment, burn one or more chips to charcoal in a lightly oiled pan. Dry them out and return them to the packet.

Return to sender

With a tone that appears light-hearted but strained, snail mail the consumer satisfaction department of the manufacturer, informing them of your unfortunately disgusting experience with their brand. You will have to return the offending product intact, and may need to provide additional packaging. Glad Wrap should do it. Remember: it can’t appear to have become stale in the mail.

You may have to register one or more PO boxes to avoid suspicion (if you’re taking this all the way). End your letter with something along the lines of, “I don’t mean to complain, I just thought you should know.”

If all goes according to plan, we’ll update this experiment with some conclusions.